The King James Bible Revamped
by Jehovah
Summary: A verse-by-verse parody of the KJB. If you'll get offended, don't read it.
1. Creation

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that I saw that "Godfather" bit somewhere else, but I'm not sure where it's from. So yeah, that's not exactly mine, I don't think. Also, I'm sure a lot of people will find this very very disrespectful, so right now  
  
IF YOU WILL TAKE OFFENSE TO A PARODY OF CHRISTIANITY, WHY ARE YOU HERE? HIT THE BACK BUTTON AND DON'T READ THIS FIC.   
  
Genesis  
  
1:1 Once upon a time, the Godfather created the universe. In retrospect, it was poor decision-making on His part and probably shouldn't be repeated.  
  
1:2 And the Earth was shapeless - think of it as primordial Jell-o - and everything was dark. Think of it as primordial Jell-o when the refrigerator light burns out. And God walked on water. His son would later steal His father's material, but we'll get to that later.   
  
1:3 And God said, "I'm afraid of the dark"; so He replaced the cosmic light bulb.   
  
1:4 And God saw the light, and said "Gee golly, that's swell": and God divided the light from the darkness. Except that darkness isn't really a thing per se… it's just the absence of light… but then again…. And God got a migraine headache and gave up.  
  
1:5 And God called the light Night, and the darkness he called Day. But he kept mixing them up so He ended up switching it. And that was the first day… except that time had passed prior to the sun being created… but a day is defined by the rotation around the sun… so I guess that, in the strictest sense of the word, it was the first day, even though it wasn't the beginning of time… And God got another headache and said "49 more chapters of this?! I'm screwed!"  
  
1:6 And God said, I'm going to make a firmament in the middle of the waters, and it'll divide the waters. And God looked up "firmament" in the dictionary. Firmament, coincidentally, means "wall".   
  
1:7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters with that nifty firmament. And that was that.  
  
1:8 And God called the firmament Heaven. If you are a good little Christian, you got to go to a wall when you die. Anywho, that was the second day (or was it…?).   
  
1:9 And God said, "I'm getting dishpan hands. I think I'll make some dry land." And magically it happened.   
  
1:10 And God called the dry land Earth because Mars was already taken. He called the water Seas because Oceans is too hard to spell. And God saw that it was A-OK.  
  
1:11 And God said, Let the earth grow "grass" and "herbs". And in case I get the munchies while I'm stoned, I'll make some fruit trees." And somehow or other it happened.   
  
1:12 And there was lots of "grass" and "herbs". No wonder God's son was a hippie.   
  
1:13 And that was the third day. Ahem.  
  
1:14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament so that people can use them to tell time until digital watches are invented.   
  
1:15 And they'll light up the Earth until stadium lighting is invented. Then it happened.  
  
1:16 And God made the sun and the moon, just for kicks. Then he star- spangled the sky. And God said, Wow, a verse where I'm not talking to myself!  
  
1:17 And God Fed-Exed them to the firmament.  
  
1:18 And they would do that whole "dividing light and darkness" thing for God. And God saw that it was superfantastical.   
  
1:19 In case you lost count, that was the 4th day.   
  
1:20 And God said, Let the waters create a bunch of moving stuff. Like birdies and fishies and lions and monkeys…. [3 days later] … and pandas.   
  
1:21 And God created all the animals. Didn't he just do that? God saw that it was Neat-o, albeit confusing.   
  
1:22 And God said, Don't use condoms, overpopulate!   
  
1:23 For your information, that was the 5th day.   
  
1:24 And God said, Let the earth make animals. Except God already made animals. Twice. He screwed up a lot - forgot lungs and things - and had to try again.   
  
1:25 And God made animals, for the FOURTH time, and said "Sweeeeeeet!!!".   
  
1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have total control over everything! Let them rape and plunder and destroy the planet. Fwahahahah! And God said "us" even though no one else was there. God was talking to his imaginary friends.  
  
1:27 So God created men and women in his image. Was God a hermaphrodite? No one can say…  
  
1:28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Have a mess of kids, more than you can support, and have complete control over the planet. Have tons of kids. I mean, really guys, work it 24-7. I'm planning on you dieing off from over-population by 2200.  
  
1:29 And God said, For all you vegetarians, you have control over all the plants. It's like meat…. Except it's not…  
  
1:30 And all you loser animals have to eat plants. Even lions. Ahem.   
  
1:31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and it was really spiffy. So he took a rest. That God is such a slacker. No wonder his mother said he'd never amount to anything. 


	2. Adam and Steve and that Whole Cain Mess

Author's Note: I'm going to try and do just the main Bible stories (Creation, Adam & Eve, Noah's Ark, Moses, etc). None of that "begat" garbage.  
  
Genesis 2, 3, & 4: Adam and Steve and that Whole Cain mess  
  
2:1 And everything was finished. In your face, evolution!   
  
2:2 And on the seventh day God stopped working and rested even though he was omnipotent and couldn't get tired. Thus, the union was born.  
  
2:3 And God made the seventh day special for a good excuse to get off of work.  
  
2:4 These are the generations of the crap that God created,   
  
2:5 And there were plants, but God didn't make any rain. STUPID! For a deity, you'd think he'd have some common sense. Anyway, there weren't any humans to till the earth either. Except for the ones that God created in Genesis 1:27.... And God said, Stop pointing out plot holes!   
  
2:6 But then the sprinkler system kicked in and watered the plants.   
  
2:7 And God sniffed some dirt up his nose. And it became a living man. Except that God already created humans. Just ignore that.  
  
2:8 And God planted a garden in Eden, and he plopped his little living dust-booger there.  
  
2:9 And God made some pretty trees. Plus he made the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Say that 10 times fast.  
  
2:10 Time for a geography lesson: there was a river that flowed through Eden that split into 4 streams.   
  
2:11 The name of the first is Pison. That's where God goes to the bathroom.   
  
2:12 And the gold of that land is good (as if there was bad gold). Plus there's bdellium and the onyx stone. And we care....why?   
  
2:13 And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that passes through Ethe.... Etheo.... That place where all the starving African kids are.  
  
2:14 And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates. Just thought you should know.  
  
2:15 And God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. The dress code was semi-formal, with casual Fridays.   
  
2:16 And God bullied the man, saying, Eat whatever the hell you want,  
  
2:17 But if you eat fruit form the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, you'll die. Why? Because I'll kill ya!   
  
2:18 And God said, Ewwwww! That man shouldn't be left alone with porno. I'm gonna make him a woman.  
  
2:19 And God made animals (for the FIFTH time) and let Adam name them.   
  
2:20 And Adam named everything, but bestiality isn't what it's cracked up to be.  
  
2:21 And the hit Adam over the head with a rusty pipe. And Adam became unconscious. And God thought back to his med school days and removed a rib.  
  
2:22 And God made a woman out of the rib.  
  
2:23 And Adam said, I'll call her "rib girl". And God hit Adam in the back of the head and called her a woman.  
  
2:24 Now men have to leave their parents and find a woman. And they have to cling to her and leech off of her until her soul has been completely drained.  
  
2:25 And they were both nudists. And the woman said, Stop staring at me, perv! And Adam was kneed in the groin.   
  
3:1 Now, the snake was one sly fox. He said to the woman, Yo, did God tell you not to eat any of the fruit?   
  
3:2 And the woman said to the snake, We can eat whatever we want, although seeing as how I'm talking to a snake right now I might want to stay away from those mushrooms.  
  
3:3 But if we eat any fruit from that big tree in the middle of the garden, God said we'll die.  
  
3:4 And the serpent said to the woman, God's a lying whore.   
  
3:5 If you eat the fruit, you'll be God-like in your street-smarts.   
  
3:6 And the woman said to the snake, What the hell. And she ate some of the fruit. Then she guilt-tripped Adam into eating some too.   
  
3:7 Much like the victims of the pedophile priests, they now sensed that something was very wrong with God wanting to see them naked. They put on some clothes.   
  
3:8 And they heard God walking in the garden, and they hid from him.  
  
3:9 And the God said, Adam, oh Adam, get that tight little butt over here.   
  
3:10 And Adam said, I heard you clomping around the garden and was afraid because I was naked - I didn't want you taking any more pictures.   
  
3:11 And God said, &$%$#$! Who told you you were naked?! There goes my good time. Did you eat the fruit?!  
  
3:12 And the man said, She did it.   
  
3:13And God said to the woman, WHAT DID YOU DO!!!??? And the woman said, It's the snake's fault.   
  
3:14 And God said to the snake, For taking away my boy toy, you will now have to crawl everywhere... except that snakes never had legs in the first place... er... crawl lower!   
  
3:15 And you and women will be in severe need of group counseling. You'll bite her, she'll kick your head in.  
  
3:16 To the woman he said, Ha ha! Now you'll have to be man's slave until the late 18- early 19 hundreds.   
  
3:17 And to Adam he said, Since you listened to that stupid broad, GET THE HELL OFF OF MY PROPERTY BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE.  
  
3:18 And thorns will prick you in the legs, and you'll have to be a farmer.   
  
3:19 And you'll die and be buried in the ground, you little dust-booger.  
  
3:20 And Adam still wanted to call the woman "Rib Girl". God again smacked Adam in the back of the head, and named her Eve.   
  
3:21 God gave them clothes. In all fairness, the clothes were so Last Tuesday, and clashed with their accessories.   
  
3:23 So God threw the bums out of his garden.  
  
3:24 So he told mankind to, GET OFF MY DAMN LAWN, YOU PUNKS! To protect the tree of life, he made a giant flaming sword. Not flaming like, "Heeello-o!", but literally on fire.  
  
4:1 And Adam banged Eve, but The Pill hadn't been invented yet. And Eve gave birth to Cain. And Eve said, God gave me a very ugly, pink, fat, bald man. Then she realized that Cain was a baby.   
  
4:2 And she got knocked-up again, this time with Abel. And Abel was a shepherd, but Cain was a farmer.   
  
4:3 And Cain decided to kiss God's ass by offering him some vegetables.   
  
4:4 And Abel offered god some mutton. And God said to Abel, Mmmm... sheep.   
  
4:5 But Cain.... What were you thinking?! DO I look like one of those fruity deities that eat salads with low fat dressing while they read Cosmo?! What am I, Buddha?" And Cain was mighty pissed.   
  
4:6 And God said to Cain, What's the matter, pansy? Baby want his bottle? BABY WANT HIS BOTTLE?   
  
4:7 If you're popular, you must be a good person. But if people don't like you, it means you must be evil or a freak.   
  
4:8 And Cain talked with his brother. Then he decided that it was just easier to skip the communication crap and kill the bastard.  
  
4:9 And the God said to Cain, Where's the good one I mean where's your brother? And Cain said, What am I, his freaking baby-sitter?  
  
4:10 And God said, What did you do? I smell blood.   
  
4:11 You are sooooo cursed.   
  
4:12 Even dirt will hate you.   
  
4:13 And Cain said to God, Don't be rash,  
  
4:14 You've made everyone hate me to the point of murder. I'll be nothing but a fugitive. I'd be.... Gasp.... Like telemarketer!  
  
4:15 And God said, Fine, crybaby. Anyone that kills you will be screwed over 7 times.  
  
4:16 And Cain ran the hell away from God and moved to Nod, which was east of Eden.  
  
4:17 And Cain banged his wife (who apparently materialized out of nowhere); and she got pregnant, and popped out Enoch: and Cain built a city which he named Enoch. Real original, Cain. Real original.   
  
4:18 And Enoch's son was named Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech. With names like those, family reunions got confusing.   
  
4:19 And Lamech was a playa and had two wives: Adah and Zillah.   
  
4:20 And Adah popped out Jabal. He was the father people who live in tents, a.k.a. Boy Scouts. Plus his offspring raised cattle. Hillbilly Boy Scouts.  
  
4:21 And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all the people who play harps and organs. Many custody battles ensued when a Hillbilly Boy Scout learned to play the harp.  
  
4:22 And Zillah, she gave birth to Tubalcain, a shop teacher. And the sister of Tubalcain was Naamah.   
  
4:23 And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Listen to me, you hags: for I have killed people who pissed me off.   
  
4:24 If Cain's death should be avenged seven times, then mine is at least worth seventy-seven times.   
  
4:25 And Adam banged Eve again; and she had another son, and called him Seth: For God, said she, had given her a replacement Abel.   
  
4:26 And had a son named Enos: then began men to yell, "Are you there God, it's me, mankind." 


	3. Noah's Ark

_Author's Note: As for the request for the parody of Soddom, I will get to that. I sort of want to do this in the order it appears in the Bible so it's easier to read. And I am really flattered/amazed that I actually got praise instead of death threats.   
_  
**Noah's Ark**  
  
5:1-32 Begat, begat, begat, begat  
  
6:1 And it came to pass, when men multiplied like rabbits and had little girls  
  
6:2 That God's sons saw the hot women and held shotgun weddings.   
  
6:3 And God said, You jerks won't always listen to me because of that whole eventually dying thing, but you're still going to live to be 120.  
  
6:4 There were basket ball players in the earth in those days, and on an unrelated note, when the sons of God shagged the women, and they got preganant, and the little brats became old and famous. Of course, being famous was easy considering that the world's population must've been 40-something people.  
  
6:5 And God saw that men were sick little %#$$ers  
  
6:6 And God really regretted making mankind, despite that whole knowing the future thing, which would have allowed Him to foresee this little development.   
  
6:7 And God said, Well, I guess there's nothing I can do except commit mass genocide.   
  
6:8 But Noah kissed God's heavenly rear end   
  
6:9 Here's Noah's life story: Noah was a perfect man, though Jesus would go on to steal his bit…. But we'll get to that later. Noah enjoyed sunsets, fine dining, and long walks on the beach with God.   
  
6:10 And Noah had 3 little brats, Shem, Ham, and Japheth. At least, his wife told him they were his….  
  
6:11 The Earth really sucked before that God character showed up. What, you say that God _created_ the Earth? Er… look over there!  
  
6:12 And God took another look at the Earth, and would you believe it, it still sucked.  
  
6:13 And God said to Noah, I don't like how you guys turned out so I'm moving on to Plan B: Annihilate Everything  
  
6:14 So I need you go to Home Depot and get some gopher wood and pitch. I want you to make me a boat.

6:15 And it has to be 300 by 50 by 30 cubits. Of course, seeing as how cubits are measured with body parts and I'm freaking God, that should be plenty big.  
  
6:16 Make a window and a door, plus make the ark have 3 stories. I figure if the project ends up bombing out, we can sell it along with my timeshare in Miami beach.  
  
6:17 And then I'll drown everything. Babies… the elderly… innocent animals… everything and everyone.  
  
6:18 But since you're so hip, you and your family can ride out the storm in that houseboat you're building.   
  
6:19 And bring 2 of every animal. Er… male and female… I sort of have this thing about homosexuals, but we'll get into that later.   
  
6:20 I repeat, two of every animal. Of course, there are several hundred thousand species of insect alone, so you really have your work cut out for you, Noah old boy.   
  
6:21 And get all the food they'll need and somehow fit it into your relatively tiny boat.   
  
6:22 And Noah said, Ok.   
  
7:1 And God said to Noah, Get in your house, you sweet thang, you.  
  
7:2 Take 7 of each "clean" animal and 2 of each "unclean" animal and put them on your ship. And Noah began flinging mud on all the clean animals to save himself some time.  
  
7:3 But God continued, Seven of each type of bird so they don't die out, but leave behind dinsoaurs. They're just really pissing me off right now.   
  
7:4 And make it quick, because the plan is that I'm gonna make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.  
  
7:5 And Noah thought that wiping out most of the planet was a pretty reasonable thing to do, so he went to work   
  
7:6 And in a time when the average life span was about 40 years, Noah was 600 years old. He contributed it largely to a healthy diet and exercise.   
  
7:7 And so Noah, his wife, his sons, and their wives went into the boat. Noah's sons promptly began fighting over who could ride "shotgun" and everyone else began asking Noah "Are we there yet?".  
  
7:8 And every cuddly and not-so-cuddly animal   
  
7:9 Went in by twos into the Arc. This contradicts that whole seven of the clean animals thing, but God chose to ignore that and let Noah proceed.   
  
7:10 And in one week, weathermen everywhere were stunned to see that it was raining at an alarming rate with a high in the mid seventies, a low in the upper fifties, and a chance of severe genocide.   
  
7:11 In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, it rained like Hell.   
  
7:12 And it rained for 40 days and 40 nights.   
  
7:13 And Noah, his wife, his sons, and their wives went into the boat and had extreme déjà vu.   
  
7:14 Plus all the pretty animals which somehow fit into the boat   
  
7:15 They went into the boat and wondered why God was repeating himself and fragmenting things so much  
  
7:16 And the animals went in and yelled at God to get a move on with this already dull plot line, but God just shut them in the ark, for his ego was God-sized.   
  
7:17 And the Ark, defying all rules of modern physics, floated   
  
7:18 And it rained some more, and the Ark still floated   
  
7:19 And everything, even Mt Everest, was covered with water. Noah silently thanked God that acid rain was not yet an issue.   
  
7:20 The waters were 15 cubits high and this somehow covered even the highest mountains in the world.   
  
7:21 And everything, and we mean everything...   
  
7:22 ...Absolutely everything living on dry land died  
  
7:23 One more time for the "slower" folks amongst us: EVERYTHING on dry land died, leaving only the people on Noah's Ark alive.   
  
7:24 And there was a ton of water for 150 days


	4. The Tower of Babel

_Author's Note: Updates will be almost daily as I have no life._   
  
**The Tower of Babel**  
  
11:1 And linguists everywhere were disappointed and largely out of work, because everyone spoke the same language.   
  
11:2 And everyone left the east, and they lived in some plain in Shinar. Hey, if 2 of every animal can fit on a boat, I suppose everyone in the world could fit on a plain.   
  
11:3 And they said one to another, let's go to Home Depot and get some brick. And they had brick and mortar and memberships to the bricklayer's union.   
  
11:4 And they said, Let's make a tower that will reach into heaven, despite the poor architectural technology we have.  
  
11:5 And God saw the tower and the union lunch breaks  
  
11:6 And God said, Everyone is getting along too well; Now they can actually accomplish things and solve problems.   
  
11:7 Let us kick over the anthill and make them not understand each other any more, so that they can have wars and problems again. And God and His imaginary friends set off to work.  
  
11:8 So God told them to get off His damn property or He'd call the cops, and they all abandoned the tower.  
  
11:9 And so it's called "Babel", because God ruined everything for mankind yet again   
  
11:10-32 Begat, begat, begat, begat, begat, begat 


	5. Why RightWingers Hate Gays

_Author's Note: I swear to you I didn't make any of this up. Seriously. Read the Bible._  
  
**What Made Right-Wingers Horrible Bigots Against Gays  
**_Alternately Titled: Eeeewwwwwww!!! Sodomy!!!_  
  
[Everything that I didn't cover just sort of makes fun of itself. I am particularly fond of the part where Abram pimps his wife to the Pharoah, and the part where Abraham uses a concubine]  
  
18:20 And God said, Because the people in Sodom and Gomorrah are icky  
  
18:21 I'm taking a road trip there, to see if they do everything exactly as I tell them to; and if they don't… And God shook his fist angrily at the sky.   
  
18:22 And the men shrugged their shoulders, saying "Whatever", and went to Sodom: but Abraham stood there like a little kid in the Lost and Found section of a theme park.   
  
18:23 And Abraham, who had been studying law for a few years now, cleared his throat importantly and said, Are you going to kill the goody two-shoes people as well as the jerks?   
  
18:24 Let's say that hypothetically there are 50 OK people in the city; would you still kill everyone?   
  
18:25 I mean, I know you're a really reasonable guy who wouldn't do anything rash. What with all that love and compassion and all the other stuff they teach us in Sunday School. You're not like that Zeus character, you're an inspiration, the epitome of compassion, the-  
  
18:26 And God cut him off, saying, Gee, I guess you have a point. I am one helluvah guy. Tell you what, if there are 50 people who aren't total wankers in Sodom, I'll spare the city.   
  
18:27 And Abraham answered carefully, knowing he had sealed the deal, Yeah, I just can't get over how a puny little mortal like me could even talk to someone like you. I'm not worthy to be in your holy presence.   
  
18:28 But, let's say that you're only missing, like, 5 people: Now, I know you're wise enough not to destroy a whole city over 5 measly little people. And God said, Well, when you put it that way… if I find only 45 people, that'll be enough  
  
18:29 And he decided to push his luck, and said, But what if you're only missing 10 people? And God said, I won't destroy the city if I find only 40 good people.   
  
18:30 And Abraham said to God, I know I'm not in any position to speak to someone as wonderful and spectacular as you, but let's say you only find 30 people. And God said, I can't argue with logic like that, I guess if I find only 30 people I won't kill everyone.   
  
18:31 And Abraham said, I can't believe I have the honor to speak to none other that God! Someone so marvelous, so striking and, might I add, handsome that I do not deserve to be in a room with him! But, God, what if you only find 20. And God blushed and said, I will not destroy the city if I find only 20 people.   
  
18:32 And Abraham said, Oh, God, your wisdom is only matched by your rugged good looks and unquestionable moral superiority. So certainly it would be advisable not to destroy a whole city if you found 10 good people. And God said, OK, 10 people and I won't kill the whole city.   
  
18:33 And God left Abraham, and Abraham smiled, knowing that he had played God like a well-tuned lute.   
  
19:1 And two angels were passing through Sodom one night; and Lot sat near the gate of Sodom. Lot noticed them and saw some serious sucking-up opportunities so he ran to greet them and dramatically bowed  
  
19:2 And he said, Hey, why don't you come by my place tonight… spend the night, wash your feet… No responsibilities, no attachments, and the next morning you leave. And the angels said, Er… I think we were going to just sleep in some empty boxes behind the 7-11.   
  
19:3 And he used peer pressure, saying that all the cool angels did it and that they weren't chicken, were they? And the angels gave in, and they went to his house and ate unleavened bread while swapping stories of all their heavenly tail-chasing exploits.   
  
19:4 But before they went to sleep, every man from the entire city surrounded the house, even little kids and senior citizens.   
  
19:5 And they yelled, Hey Lot!!!, and said to him, Where are those cuties that went into your pad? Bring them out here so we can 'know' them. And the men winked and thrusted their hips suggestively.   
  
19:6 And Lot went outside to talk to them, shutting his door behind him,   
  
19:7 And said, Aw, come on guys, play fair...   
  
19:8 Tell you what, I'll give you my two virgin daughters and you let me have the two men. Deal?   
  
19:9 And they said, Stand back. And they said again, We know that this guy is a nark, and now we're just going to have to deal with you too, you little fink! And they charged at the man and at Lot, trying to break the door down.   
  
19:10 But the angels put pulled Lot into the house quickly and slammed the door shut.   
  
19:11 And the pervs outside blindly flailed around killing each other until they got too tired.   
  
19:12 And the angels said to Lot, Got anyone else in this crap shack, I mean, lovely home? Son in laws, sons, daughters, and whoever you want to save in this city…   
  
19:13 We're gonna burn this mother to the ground, for God is mighty riled.   
  
19:14 And Lot went out, and told his sons in laws very smugly, Get out of here, God's going to wreck this place. Do you know what 'wreaked' means? It means that the city will go 'boom'! But they had seen enough prime time TV sitcoms to know that they were being patronized and mocked him right back.   
  
19:15 And when the morning arose, the angels yelled at Lot to get his lazy butt out of bed and spilled cold water on him.   
  
19:16 And while he lingered, the angels dragged him and his wife and his two daughters out of the city.  
  
19:17 And when they were almost out of the city, they yelled, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!! THE ONLY SAFE PLACE IS THE MOUNTAIN!!!  
  
19:18 And Lot said to them, I'm screwed   
  
19:19 You know, I was such a nice little servant. I did everything you said, even the stuff in Leviticus - do you have any idea how much livestock I've gone through?! - and yet I'm going to die now because I can't make it to some stupid mountain!  
  
19:20 Look, there's a tiny city over there. Can I just escape there?   
  
19:21 And God said, What do you think I am, stupid? I'm not going to overthrow that city.   
  
19:22 Get out of my sight and get to Zoar, maggot.   
  
19:23 There was a pretty sunrise when Lot entered Zoar.   
  
19:24 Then God went medieval on Sodom and Gomorrah's ass and rained fire and brimstone on it.   
  
19:25 And God destroyed everything surrounding it.  
  
19:26 But Lot's wife looked at the city and with a wave of God's magic wand she turned to salt.   
  
19:27 And Abraham got up early and looked out his window  
  
19:28 And he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and said "Holy (&$#$&#%#!!!   
  
19:29 And God said, Whoops, forgot about that deal I made with Abraham. I guess I won't "accidentally" kill Lot.   
  
19:30 And Lot and his daughters lived in a cave, much like Osama bin Laden.   
  
19:31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Daddy is old and has no sons  
  
19:32 Let's get the old fart good and drunk, then screw him so he can have kids.   
  
19:33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn banged him, and he didn't even know it.   
  
19:34 And the next day, the younger whore, I mean, daughter wanted her turn  
  
19:35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger banged him senseless, and he had no idea.  
  
19:36 And they both got pregnant via incest.   
  
19:37 And the first born popped out a son, and called him Billy Bob Switchblade Moab : who is the father of Moabites to this day.   
  
19:38 And the younger, she also had a son, and named him Cleetus Gunther Hunter Benammi: who is the father of the children of Ammon to this day. 


	6. Moses Part 1

_Author's Note: Sorry it took so long to update, I've just been really busy lately. Oh, and I seem to have a new fan...  
  
Bluago has written long reviews for every single one of my stories. Of course, I cannot respond to all of the positive comments I receive, but it's this sort of dedication that makes me want to keep on writing. So to my friend Bluago, I thank you.   
_  
**Chapter 6: Moses and the Amazing Technicolor Parody, Part I**  
  
[The rest of Genesis was basically like a Mexican soap opera. Torrid affairs with concubines, a son being disowned and denied his inheritance, two women fighting for the affections of one man, etc, etc. Watch some daytime TV to get a good idea of what it was like.]  
  
EXODUS  
  
1:1 For no apparent reason, here are the names of the children of Israel, which came into Egypt; every man and his household came with Jacob. U-Haul had never had such great business.   
  
1:2 Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah   
  
1:3 Issachar, Zebulun, and Benjamin,   
  
1:4 Dan, and Naphtali, Gad, and Asher… And Dan and Benjamin prayed, thanking God that they didn't have bizarre names.   
  
1:5 And Jacob had 70 kids, which is somehow connected to Joseph being in Egypt already.   
  
1:6 And Joseph died [cue dramatic music]   
  
1:7 And the little buggers multiplied like rabbits.   
  
1:8 Now the new king of Egypt didn't know about this so-called "Joseph" character.   
  
1:9 And he said unto his people, Those foreign devils are hipper than us.   
  
1:10 Let's do them in. And so when there were any wars, the Israelites would side with the enemy of Egypt, and Egypt would pound them   
  
1:11 Plus, the Pharaoh made them build random crap for him.  
  
1:12 But the more the Egyptians bullied them, the more children they had. The   
Egyptians were puzzled and angry, but mostly just angry.   
  
1:13 And the Egyptians made the Israelites slaves  
  
1:14 Being a slave, contrary to popular belief in America's Reconstruction Era South, is not fun.   
  
1:15 And the Pharaoh talked to the Hebrew midwives, one of whom was named Puah. Really now, who names their kid Puah?! Just try not to laugh!   
  
1:16 And he said, If one of those Hebrew women has a son, kill it. With so many men gone, I'll be a shoe-in for the Mr. Universe contest.   
  
1:17 But the midwives decided that between the two lunatics, God was much scarier, and ignored the Pharaoh.  
  
1:18 And the Pharaoh said to the midwives, You worthless sluts, why didn't you kill the boys like I told you to?!  
  
1:19 And the midwives said to the Pharaoh, Because the Hebrew women ain't cheap whores like them Egyptian women. Mmmmhmmm, you go girlfriend. And they did   
that thing where they you snap your fingers 3 times.  
  
1:20 God thought that was just swell, and the Israelites waxed exceedingly, for it was bikini season. They also had tons of kids. Ahem.   
  
1:21 And God thought it so touching that the midwives were scared shitless of him, so he built them houses.   
  
1:22 And the Pharaoh yelled at all his people, saying, Throw all your sons into the river and kill them, or else I'll… well, I guess it's kind of hard to enforce, BUT JUST DO IT!


	7. Moses Part 2

Author's Note: You know, saying that I'm evil or rude or whatever does nothing but encourage me to keep writing, if only out of spite.

Moses…. Part 2 

****

2:1 And Mr. Levi committed incest.   
  
2:2 And he knocked the woman up. And when she saw her son, she figured that he was kind of neat in a way, so, what the hell, she'd risk death by hiding him for 3 months.  
  
2:3 And when she realized that saving a child's life, no matter how many laws it violates, is not a very good way to increase your 'bad girl' reputation, she dumped the kid off in a slimy boat on the river.   
  
2:4 And the kid's sister watched, because everyone knows that little girls are the best at keeping extremely important, life-and-death secrets.   
  
2:5 And the Pharaoh's daughter came to the river for some skinny dipping. When she saw the kid floating around, she assumed that he was another drunk who had fallen into the water and ordered her maids to fish him out with a couple pool nets.   
  
2:6 But then she realized that it was a crying baby. And she said, This thing just won't shut up, I'll bet he's one of those whiney Hebrews.   
  
2:7 Then the little girl popped out of nowhere and said, I can find someone who can shut him up.   
  
2:8 And Pharaoh's daughter said, Go for it. And the girl ran off to find her mother.   
  
2:9 And the Pharaoh's daughter said, I mean, what am I, Mary Poppins? I don't feel like feeding the little brat. And so he was nursed by his mother.   
  
2:10 And he was adopted, which was the source of a lot of childhood angst and an identity crisis. And he was named Moses, because I said so.  
  
2:11 And when Moses grew up, he saw an Egyptian killing a Hebrew.   
  
2:12 When he made sure that no-one was looking, he killed the Egyptian and hid the body.   
  
2:13 And when he was out walking the next day, two Hebrews walked up to him and he said, Dude, what the Hell?!  
  
2:14 What are you gonna do, knife us like you did that Egyptian? And Moses was scared, because it's all fun and games until you have a stool pigeon around.  
  
2:15 The Pharaoh wanted to kill Moses, but unfortunately the death penalty had been voted down. Moses ran anyway and sat down by a well.  
  
2:16 The priest from Midian had 7 daughters, and they were all getting water to water their father's grass.   
  
2:17 And some random shepherds came and chased them away, but Moses never missed a chance to impress some hot chicks, so he pulled the tough guy act and got them some water.   
  
2:18 And when they came to their home in Reuel, their father said, How did you get here so fast, especially sense I apparently moved to a different village while you were out getting water.   
  
2:19 And they said, A friendly stranger gave us a ride and then fed us some candy.   
  
2:20 And their father said, Why didn't you invite him in? Miss Manners would be appalled!  
  
2:21 And the father forced one of his daughters to marry Moses.   
  
2:22 And she gave birth to a son, then uttered the line to be repeated by generations of hippies the world over: I have been a stranger in a strange land.   
  
2:23 The Pharaoh died. The Israelites were sick of being slaves and sued God for breach of contract.   
  
2:24 And God heard their bellyaching and remembered all those deals he had struck in Genesis.  
  
2:25 And God thought that the Israelites were just groovy.


	8. Smokey the Bear Says: Only YOU Can Preve...

_Author's Note: No, I didn't die. I've been playing bass guitar. But the good news is, I've regained interest in this story. Please be patient with me if this chapter isn't as good as the others; I'm out of practice. _

**Exodus Chapter 3 - Smokey the Bear Says "Only YOU Can Prevent Burning Bushes!"**

1: Now the priest of Midian gave his "good for nothing" son the job of herding sheep, and Moses screwed that up by leading the sheep to graze in the middle of a desert.

2: And the angel of God appeared in a burning bush, and Moses looked at the flask in his hand in horror and emptied the rest of it out on the sand.

3: And Moses said, Pfft, some burning bush. The thing isn't even really "burning"--there's just fire on it somehow!

4: And when God noticed that Moses was staring, God called unto him out of the middle of the bush, and said, Moses, MOSES! And he said, Here am I... er, I mean, 'here I am". Christ, what the hell was in that flask?!

5: And he said, Take off your damn shoes! What, were you raised in a barn?

6: Also he said, I am the God of your daddy, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob... not to mention all those thousands of other people so far. And Moses wet himself and hid his face, feeling like the Cowardly Lion when he met the Wizard of Oz.

7: And God said, I head all the whining of those slackers in Egypt; "I feel their pain" (1)

8: And I'm here to free them from the Egyptians and to send them to a land full of milk, honey, and bran flakes because they help the digestion; unto the place of lots of people with funny names.

9: To repeat myself needlessly, I heard the whining of the Israelites.

10: But instead of using my omnipotence, I'm just going to send you to talk to the Pharaoh.

11: And Moses said to God, I can't even lead a friggen flock of sheep to pasture without somehow ending up the middle of a friggen desert, and you want me to lead the Isrealites to freedom?!

12: And God said, Sure, I mean... I'll help and everything... but just think, you'll be able to serve me up on this mountain!

13: And Moses said to God, When I talk to these people and tell them that God sent me, no one is going to believe me. They'll demand to know your name before they accept everything I say automatically. So what is it?

14: And God said to Moses, Frank: and he said, You shall tell the children of Israel that FRANK has sent you!

15: And God kept talking to Moses, saying, So just tell them that the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, and the God of lots of other unnamed people sent you.

16: Go, and gather the senior citizens , and say to them, the God of Tons of People feels bad for you pathetic slobs.

17: And I have said, I will save you from the Egyptians and bring you tot he land of people with funny names, to a land flowing with milk, honey, and bran flakes because they help the digestion.

18: And they'll listen to you... or else: and you'll come, you and the old farts of Israel, to the Pharaoh, and you'll say to him, We talked to our God and he said that he wants you to let us go into the woods to kill animals.

19: He won't let you go.

20: So I'll just kill a bunch of people until he does.

21: And you guys will look hip compared to the Egyptians and will leave with lots of neat stuff.

22: You'll borrow their stuff and never return it. Now that there is good Christian values!

(1) This footnote is for all of you too young/ignorant/foreign to remember Bill Clinton and his classic quote: "I feel your pain." Good God I miss seeing that man in the news...


End file.
